- (of psychiatric illness) characterized by both manic and depressive episodes, or manic ones only.
Let’s Jump Right In!
I had an amazing weekend, surrounded by a two of my closest friends and husband. We almost took our first road trip together, but ended up deciding to reschedule when we could plan more accordingly. I mean, I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better weekend. Or at least I thought so. This weekend high ended abruptly for me, because a wave of lows and a few trigger points decided to come in and crash the party.
I don’t remember exactly when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder; I believe the diagnosis came when I was 13 or so (if not a little younger). I do remember as a child feeling on top of the world one moment, then feeling like I was meeting my demise the next. Highs and lows were a huge part of my childhood, as they are my adult life. I don’t claim to know everything about this mental illness, but what I do know is not enough people throughout my life have truly cared to understand that aspect of Tamiya. For that reason alone, it’s quite easy for me to feel misunderstood by friends and family alike.
I try to be normal, everyday that I wake up. I know, you’re probably like wtf is normal anyways?. At least that’s what my loving parents say as their attempt to remind me that there is no such thing as normal. While I appreciate the gesture, I beg to differ. Let’s go into more detail, shall we?
WTF Is Normal, Anyways?
Ah, normal. I believe normal is a word that my generation has really set themselves apart from. After all, the definition literally means “conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.”. Who wants to be typical? Who wants to conform to what’s expected? Nah, what I am noticing from my generation is that they like to break out of the norm box, do their own thing…be their own person despite what society thinks of them. I absolutely love it! I have a slightly different view of the word normal though, and I have had it for quite some time.
My parents will ask me from time to time, “what is normal to you?”…and I always struggle with giving an answer. Because of that, I think they believe it’s because I don’t have one…because “normal doesn’t exist”.
In all actuality, I am just ashamed of my answer. I am ashamed that my mental state can get so nerve-wrecking at times that I don’t even consider myself the standard human being. I was ashamed. Now, I am ready to give my answer.
Normal to me is several different things. Being able to wake up and appreciate life (especially if you’re beyond blessed). Being able to be in a social setting with the ones closest to you for more than a few hours without something (anything) hurting your feelings and sending you in a downward spiral. Normal to me is not being depressed for days (for reasons unknown) for weeks. Every. Month. of. The. Year. Normal for me is not trying to be happy but failing, it’s actually being happy. I’m not saying that others don’t struggle with some of the things I mentioned above; what I’m saying is that I deal with that and so much more with this mental illness. My reasons for several of my reactions are unseen, misunderstood, and even criticized or mistook for being crazy, petty, insane, or extra just to name a few.
Let’s Throw Motherhood in the Loop!
Motherhood by itself is pretty intense. Imagine coupling bipolar disorder (refer to the definition above or click here if you still unsure what it means to be diagnosed with it.) Lawd it’s not easy by a long shot, it’s a very hard balancing act to be completely honest. I think people automatically remind themselves that I might have problems being a new mom ( postpartum depression, worries, etc), but nobody ever really remembers the bipolar part.
The Truth About (my) Mental Health
Let me just be honest here, like I always aim for being when I write a post: I am in no way justifying every single one of my actions with my disorder. All I am simply saying is that my state of mind is in a constant up and down…and more often time than not, that effects my actions/reactions to situations, people, etcetera. This post is not to be used as an excuse, it’s an attempt to get people to understand me. While bipolar doesn’t define me wholeheartedly; it does contribute to who I am. To how I act. And sometimes, to what I do. So with that being said, to know me is not to love me. To know me and to love me, is to truly understand me and my mental health (or at least try to.)
The truth about mental health is this: It’s nobodies obligation to understand your mental state of mind, except the doctors/psychiatrists/therapists that get paid for doing so. I wrote this post to make it clear that while I value those individuals that stand by me and my disorder; there’s still so many out there that jump to conclusions about who I am without understanding my mental state of mind.
I realize that this happens more often than it should to both myself and those around me…those who might be suffering from some kind of diagnosis. I wanted to address the issue, from a bipolar perspective. – @Miyatheceo
Do you struggle with anxiety? Depression (any form of it)? Do you find yourself feeling like you are misunderstood for whatever reason? Let’s talk about it in the comments! If you would like to share your story, please visit the contact me page.